lifestyle,love and emotions

As i sit day by day, hoping for better days, days when it will all make sense ,or days when tears will seize from flowing but its hard ,,,it doesn’t get better ,i only have to grow stronger …

My joy was stolen, my happiness ripped away from me ,even before i could have and hold you ,am only left with heavy breast filled with forming milk still painful and sore , am left with memories of your heart beats faster against my chest , with the first batch of little rompers i bought for you , its like i picture you everywhere ,i picture my self running after you ,or feeding you ,or you looking up to me waiting for me to lift you up and smear you with lots of kisses,,, no one will ever understand my pain of loosing you …

With you inside me , i had the most calm pregnancy ever , i was strong, i never experienced nausea or vomited ,not once did i ever get sick, you don’t know but you brought me sooo much peace in my heart ,with you inside me i felt safe , i felt secure , you were the biggest blessing in my life , you made so many ways open before my eyes . I was already used to your heart beat pattern and it made me very excited everytime i had your heart beat against mine , i was more than ready for you my angel but heaven needed you more than i did 💔

I still remember the day fresh in my mind , 12 weeks you lived inside me ,quickly growing in my womb , cramps i felt that night and the following morning ,i convinced myself it was a normal stomach pain ,little did i know …. My day proceeded and i started feeling awkward and i could hear your heart beat but from a far , its like you were struggling ,then light blood followed , i remember praying and begging God ,”please God keep my baby alive and safe for me as i was rushed to the hospital with a good friend , i was in mild pain at the time and just light bleeding still , then the first ultra sound came i saw you , tears flowing ,i couldn’t control myself , then the doctor looked at me , he did not know what to say ,so he kept asking questions that were out of the topic , i saw it in his eyes too ,he was afraid to break the news to me ,but i already knew my baby was not breathing ,its hard to break such news , he finally told me ,” we couldn’t find the baby’s heart beat.” My eyes were as red as blood , i have cried many tears in my life time but not as such , my eyes have never been that red , even closing them was very painful , “My baby ,gone,no it cannot be,” i was in denial from the word go , no one wanted it to be true , so the doctor once again after conversing with the radiologist ,they told me and my partner to go home and have bed rest . I convinced myself that ,your heart beat would come but it never ,and out you came , i saw your little body completely formed but transparent ,i saw your fingers ,your little and so very tiny legs …it was magical yet the most painful night of my life ….i wished i was the first person you will see when you open your eyes but i hope you met God …🙏

Dear Lord ,i would have loved to hold my baby and let he/she grow in my laps , i will not blame or curse , my baby was the best blessing anyone could ask for , yet taken too soon ,i want to tell my mind you knew better ,and you always do what is best for us ,i wanted to have my baby grow and tell him/her about you ,about how your grace is sufficient and you are the Father of all of us ,and now that i cannot ,would you please tell my baby all about me . Would you give him/her kisses for me and tell him/her that forever he/she will be engraved in my heart ,never to be forgotten❤️

My darling baby , you were the most perfect baby in the whole universe ,i never got the chance to hold or to tell you that but i know some day,we shall meet ,in a perfect ,yet joyous place ,where we shall never part , i still wanted to know who you would look more like ,your dad or me ? I would want you to have his eyes ,coz he has the most beautiful eyes ave met , his toughness , and his kindness the zeal in him to create betterness , i would also want you to have my heart , loving ,caring and a big heart , but have your father’s strength , i would have loved for you to have the best life could offer ,i was more than willing to sacrifice my time to create the best future for you , above all there is something special your father and i share ,its the love we have for each other ,we have been through so much but i love our love above all ,❤️

I mourn you because you were a part of me ,your growth was beautiful , i mourn you because i prayed for you ,you will never be forgotten my love , now you are an angel ,i wish heaven had visiting hours for me to come and hold you a little longer ,and sing to you and tell you all the stories but until then May God have your soul my beloved sweet child .

Love mama ❤️